Today I was a blubbering idiot! Couldn’t stop sobbing. I sounded so sad I made myself cry more! It all started when I was replaced with another singer without being told. Stuff happens. I know that! Normally not a big deal, but today-

The band was practicing so no one could hear my quiet sobs as I tried to gain my composure on the stage steps. The music started and the music ended and I was still hiding. We need to pray for John! Great! Now I have to walk out into the group with my nose swollen and black make-up specs all over my face. Emerging from behind the curtain I got that sinking feeling that a kid gets after he’s been punished and everybody knows it. Sniffing and hiccing I sat in my place (in the front row)and whispered to my Pastor-husband that it would be good to get the church in on praying for John. He nodded knowingly, turned his microphone on and got up. The next thing I knew all the men in the church who had ever been in the military were standing over my child, praying with their hands on his shoulders.(Towering over him actually)
And John, bell-bottom pants and black Converse shoes! Hope, like a warming salve, soothed my aching heart. (mostly cause these men obviously all made it out of the service alive and intact!) And John Robert standing with his head bowed. I saw the six year old who chased his best friend with a stick and accidentally split his eyebrow open (the other kids’ eyebrow!)
I saw the 7 year old all bundled up in his blue coat and mittens holding a 12 inch icicle up to me. I saw the eleven year old in a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants blow out candles on a black and white piano keys birthday cake while his father lay dying in an upstairs bedroom. I saw the boy who became the man of the house when I was left a widow with 5 small children.

Moments before, while sitting behind the curtain, I was reminded of Hannah, who walked her little boy up the steps of the temple to Eli…(probably a guy with a long beard and very bad breath) to lead Samuel into his life calling. Duh! Mia! Did you not commit him to Me?? Do you not remember praying for a son like Hannah did? Is John not the very miracle child I gave to you? He came from Me. He is mine. Like with Hannah, I merely lent him to you. Have you so quickly forgotten? I lifted my eyes and very on-purpose-ly gave my John back to the One who sent him. (Had to pray it twice to wrap my heart around it all)

Back in my seat this image of the-John-that-used-to-be got an update: Now, the image of a young man pursuing his calling in life.

Yes. Today I was a blubbering idiot!